This awareness is very near and dear to my heart. I have lost a child, and several nieces and nephews over the years due to pregnancy loss. I have friends who have also gone through this very tragic experience. A pregnancy loss will change your life. I have never spoken to a woman who wouldn't argue that fact. There is a feeling like something is missing. The heartache that a momma feels for her lost child is not something that can be fixed easily. It is not easily mended. It is not easily comforted. The heartache that a momma feels for the loss of a child can only be soothed by the overwhelming comfort that comes from or Heavenly Father. Knowing that God is in control and He is sovereign is the only way to get through such a difficult time. If a woman is able to get through the loss of a baby and still have a strong faith in the Lord, that speaks volumes about her relationship with Christ. I was not one of those women when we experienced our loss.
I thought back then that I had a relationship with the Lord, however my faith was not solid. I was living a lie. I remember being bitter when people would comment that I didn't need a baby anyway. I would have to hide my tears when friends would ask how the pregnancy is going and I would then once again have to explain the loss all over again. I was hurt, mad, angry, upset, and broken.
I have always wanted a "May" baby. It is such a beautiful month and the perfect time to bring a baby into the world! September 12th 2003 I found out I was expecting our second child. I did what any woman does when she finds out she is expecting...I started calculating my due date...MAY! My due date was MAY! May 13th! We quickly told friends and family members who were not so thrilled since we already had a 10 month old baby boy. We got the usual "Do you know what is causing that?" "You are going to have your hands FULL" comments. I was thrilled. Every life is a precious gift from the Lord, and every life is a BLESSING. The Lord created that beautiful
child!
A few short weeks later the Lord took him/ her away. October 15th sticks out in my mind just as clear as it was yesterday. I had experienced some cramping and other warning signs. My husband quickly took me to the emergency room. I laid on that bed and waited as the doctor did the ultrasound. I looked and saw the empty picture on the screen. "How far along were you?" I was asked. "Eight weeks." "At eight weeks we would be able to see a sac on the ultrasound, and we can't find anything." My hopes, thrills, excitement, and joy was gone. I'd never have that beautiful May birthday party.
Looking back on it all now I know that God has a purpose and that He always has a plan. That doesn't mean I don't still remember and mourn. When people ask us how many children we have I want to say 6. I remember that child everyday. Perhaps that's not normal, but I don't care (I've always been a bit weird). When picking out a mother's ring I always want to include the May birthstone, however I have been told that "people don't do that". So instead I remember that child in my heart. I have a angel willow tree that stands next to our "family" of willow tree figurines. The angel represents our child that we never brought home from the hospital in our arms. October is Pregnancy, Infant Loss, and SIDS awareness month. However the loss awareness is in my heart often.
